Hello again

I cannot let the embarrassment I feel for the l-o-n-g break from blogging keep me from an update. For real, has it been over three years? And I ask myself is this something I really think I will keep up in the first place? History says no. But, my heart yearns to write, aches to express the ups and downs and questions that, as always, keep coming. I think that for a time facebook replaced the blog, not that I ever faithfully blogged prior to facebook. Yet, it's so easy to throw out a few pictures and think up some clever status update and feel as though I've expressed myself. My heart is not convinced. And I tire of the facebook black hole that sucks so much time, replacing it with a pseudo-sense of connection and friendship. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy have all my friends tucked into one place, knowing where they all are in case I need them. Viewing pictures and the little glimpses into their lives is nice. Something a pre-facebook world could not fathom. It is hard to go back. But I need a familiar place where I can share, vent, express this heart in a less public way. Very few will even return to this blog to check for updates, so it provides a safe place for me to write in case any one does listen.

I am tired, unmotivated, lazy and quite hard on myself for this blah state I find myself stuck in. I scoff at the millions who find even an ounce of motivation to make a New Year's resolution. I cannot even think of making one let alone keeping one. I will inevitably disappoint myself. Everything seems to take so much effort, so much more than when I was younger. And I don't feel old most of the time, but perhaps it's an age thing. That and a grief thing.

I was not prepared to let him go. I should have been, we had plenty of warning. And I feel guilt that I didn't call more those last few weeks. We used to talk at least once a week but as he came home on hospice I was just so worried I'd interrupt something or that the phone call would wear him out. The last time I talked to Grandpa was on December 23rd, our 'early Christmas Eve' pizza party at Dad's house. Or rather, the last time I heard him talk back. He mentioned how much he enjoyed the pizza party the previous Christmas and I told him how much I wish they could have joined us this year. He sounded so tired and I knew that pizza didn't even sound appetizing to him. They were expecting Uncle Stan to fly in later that evening. I knew that they'd be busy with him for the holiday weekend. I should have called them on Christmas day but it just escaped me. When I finally called December 26th, they didn't answer the phone. And the next few days he deteriorated quickly. We were so busy preparing our home for the inlaws and then for Ben's big birthday party. So much to do and so many people around. Lots of laughter and games and balloons and cake and chaos.

My hand rested on his foot as he took his last breath. There were sniffles and tears from all who surrounded him. It was evident immediately that he had left the earthly shell and gone to be with Jesus. I stared at him for a long time, even watched them respectfully carry his body out of the house. And still it is unreal. I cannot fathom that he isn't still here, sitting by his computer emailing crazy pictures out to the world. I miss him. I am sure that will only increase as the reality of his absence sinks in. It was a blessed and sacred time together as a family to be with him as he departed this life and went to meet his Savior. I smile at the thought of him whole and young again in the presence of Jesus.

Yet, I am still trying to process all of the emotions that grief brings.