I am tired, unmotivated, lazy and quite hard on myself for this blah state I find myself stuck in. I scoff at the millions who find even an ounce of motivation to make a New Year's resolution. I cannot even think of making one let alone keeping one. I will inevitably disappoint myself. Everything seems to take so much effort, so much more than when I was younger. And I don't feel old most of the time, but perhaps it's an age thing. That and a grief thing.
I was not prepared to let him go. I should have been, we had plenty of warning. And I feel guilt that I didn't call more those last few weeks. We used to talk at least once a week but as he came home on hospice I was just so worried I'd interrupt something or that the phone call would wear him out. The last time I talked to Grandpa was on December 23rd, our 'early Christmas Eve' pizza party at Dad's house. Or rather, the last time I heard him talk back. He mentioned how much he enjoyed the pizza party the previous Christmas and I told him how much I wish they could have joined us this year. He sounded so tired and I knew that pizza didn't even sound appetizing to him. They were expecting Uncle Stan to fly in later that evening. I knew that they'd be busy with him for the holiday weekend. I should have called them on Christmas day but it just escaped me. When I finally called December 26th, they didn't answer the phone. And the next few days he deteriorated quickly. We were so busy preparing our home for the inlaws and then for Ben's big birthday party. So much to do and so many people around. Lots of laughter and games and balloons and cake and chaos.
My hand rested on his foot as he took his last breath. There were sniffles and tears from all who surrounded him. It was evident immediately that he had left the earthly shell and gone to be with Jesus. I stared at him for a long time, even watched them respectfully carry his body out of the house. And still it is unreal. I cannot fathom that he isn't still here, sitting by his computer emailing crazy pictures out to the world. I miss him. I am sure that will only increase as the reality of his absence sinks in. It was a blessed and sacred time together as a family to be with him as he departed this life and went to meet his Savior. I smile at the thought of him whole and young again in the presence of Jesus.
Yet, I am still trying to process all of the emotions that grief brings.