Monday, December 1, 2008
The 70 degree weather of Thanksgiving week tried to trick us into forgetting that winter is on her way. But, the cold Kansas winds have erased any doubt that coats and scarves are necessities not accessories!! Chris and I made our long trip back from Indiana and Oklahoma just in time to start our Christmas decorating the evening of Thanksgiving. Our hearts have been full of hope and excitement as we faced, yet another month, of waiting and hoping for a child! This month seemed different somehow, full of renewed hope and expectancy. The disappointments and dashed hopes of months gone by seemed all but forgotten this month. God graciously replaced the pain of raw vulernability in my heart with a rich, deep peace that literally surpassed all understanding. It's as if He whispered gently "the wait is almost over", and for once, my heart was able to believe those words and cling to them for life! A week ago I was flying high on the wings of hope, for the first time in a very long, long time. But, just as the tide rises and falls, today my heart has fallen once again with the monthly disappointment strangely familiar by now. Each month gets easier in some regards and harder in others. With the exception of a few tears, I am doing okay today--not the "world-falls-apart" crash that normally happens! Remnants of last week's peace soothe my heart, and I'm grateful beyond words for His continual ministry to my spirit. It's a new day, a new month and I choose to see this as a brand new opportunity for God to show Himself to us in a new way. I only pray that our eyes will be open to see Him as He reveals himself to us, and that our hearts will not shy away from or be resistant to His workings! None of this comes easily, but I guess that's the reality of adulthood! (The five year old inside my heart screams how none of this is fair, but I guess that's the beauty of growing up)!!! When I look at the bigger picture, all the blessings in my life, I feel almost childish to cry and moan about waiting for a baby!! The other day I hugged Michelle tightly, crying desperate tears of joy, not wanting to let her go--grateful that she is okay and on the mend! I cannot imagine not having her by my side through all that is ahead! God's grace & provision in our family this year has been overwhelming--and I know He is still at work in growing the Curtis family!! So, on this cold, windy Monday, I welcome December with open arms--for all the hope and holiday happiness that it brings!! I embrace today as a new beginning--a new month full of dreams!!